You have been gone a year today.
I thought I would write to say hi and too see how everything’s going.
Oh and to say thank you. You loved me with all your heart, from the day I was born and you spent every opportunity throughout my life letting me know that. You were so supportive of what ever I chose to do always saying “as long as it makes you happy, thats the main thing”. You were the ultimate cheer leader.
I’m saying thank you now because I don’t think I ever really grasped how much your love meant to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong I loved you while you were around but I don’t think I appreciated it as much as I could have. Hindsight and all that.
I’m really sorry for the times when I would visit home over the last ten years and I didn’t show you much patience or time. To be honest I was frustrated with you sitting on your bed hiding away from the world (well thats what I thought). I know your memories and mind were slipping in and out of your possession and your heart was slowly breaking and loosing the strength of it’s tick. I knew all this but I was still frustrated and couldn’t seem to rise above my own discomfort and bring a compassionate heart to you. Damn it.
And I could have come home a couple of days earlier than I did. I could have said goodbye to you while you fought valiantly in the depths of an excruciating departure. But I didn’t. And I knew you were waiting for me. And Im truly sorry about that.
The only thing’s I can say I really know at 39 are, we are all perfectly imperfect. Life is going to be fabulous and shitty. I don’t know half the things I think I do. That we will surprise with joy those that we love and we will also disappoint them. And that my frustration at you was more about me and my frustration at myself, at not getting out there and doing the things that I wanted to do.
I hope your enjoying it where you are and your getting the odd wee Sherry in and a game of darts. And I wanted to say……a big thank you to you for looking after baby me when we came to live with you, the ‘stories with your mouth’, the Cyndie doll at Easter, black pudding, Coronation Street, your humour and spirit, the coins in the christmas pudding, the salted apple crumble (that was hilarious) coming to my graduation, my twenty-first album crammed with you on every page and the unrelenting oodles of support and love you had for me. You have shaped who I am and I am eternally grateful.
Oh and thank you for showing me what a true matriarch is – raising seven children and pretty much running the show on a nickel and a dime.
With my love.