I’ve spent this winter working hard (and lightly) at bringing change to the parts of my life that aren’t expressing who I am and how I want to live. I’ve started to ‘turn up’ in new ways. I’ve started to let go of old ways of being that don’t serve anymore. I’ve had the odd slip and slide.
What I didn’t see coming, was that as the sun sets on a part of myself that no longer serves me there is a midling place I’m existing in, like a transit lounge. A place where you ‘do and see and feel’ differently on your way to arriving to the destination, the change your creating. I feel opposite to the ‘self’ I’ve gotten used to for all these years. In the creation of change, how I ‘operate and turn up to my day, life, relationships’ fundamentally affects me as a person ‘my self’, my identity. I didn’t count on this. I first noticed it when I started to make mistakes at work (something I rarely do). I caught myself verbalising out loud at work ‘that I didn’t understand how I’d made a simple mistake’. I knew something was up a day later when I made another one. What a challenge for my ego (bloody good though). It really shook my ‘work’ identity and made me question if my approach was serving me anymore. If that part of my identify that needs to be right and in control serves me anymore.
Second time I noticed it was when my intuition had a chat to me in the weekend and let me know it was time to start ‘getting light’ with my house hold possessions and to become ready for a change in the country I live in and the work I do. To start cleaning up my affairs. I heard and am heeding the advice. I am doing this without any knowledge of how it will come about, what I’ll be doing and when. I’ve surrendered. My intuition is the one thing I can trust implicitly, its always been right whenever I’ve been smart enough to listen.
It’s a pretty chaotic and expansive and unfinished space I’m in. There are no clear road signs, there no clear rights and wrongs. The change I’m making requires full surrendering. Surrendering the need to know how, who and when. Surrendering an identity. And from somebody who has spent all there life needing control to make sense of the world, It’s just so very opposite to what I’m used to. But I suppose that’s part of change, doing things differently in opposite to how you did them. I just didn’t count on the shake up to my identity (how naive was I).
My gremlins are like the old guys in the muppets, sitting in the good seats looking down shouting jibes. They’ve been shouting out lately “don’t get ahead of yourself Maree, look at all the other parts of your life that aren’t where you’d like them to be, aren’t authentically aligned. Who are you kidding thinking you can change those parts, you cant change who you are”? And to them I say – “Go fuck yourselves”.
Nobody said I had to surrender gracefully.
p.s Winter sunset taken from my balcony in Glebe, NSW, Australia.